I hopped out of bed at around 6:30,
showered, and went with my dad to get a quick latte before continental
breakfast at 7:30. As I was ordering, I
saw a fat Italian man in a bright purple shirt stuffing a hot croissant into
his mouth as he was pouring sugar into his drink. He did this all while standing. After finishing his breakfast he left in a hurry. Strange Italians.
We got to the hotel right around
7:30 and hopped in line for a quick breakfast.
It was an American style buffet with traditional Italian breakfast
food. I stacked my plate high with a
bowl of cereal, fresh fruit and baked goods of all kinds. As I looked around the table at everyone’s
plates, I realized I had about double the amount of food. Just fulfilled the American stereotype of
being a glutton. Wahoo. After breakfast I learned that “most Italians”
eat small breakfasts consisting of a croissant and an espresso. Looks like the fatty in the purple shirt wasn’t
so strange after all.
After the breakfast feast ended, my
family and I sat in the lobby and talked with members from our tour group. Some interesting people to say the least.
“You’re the guy who wants to drink
in front of his parents, right?” I guess
my tour group now sees me as the alcoholic college student. Might as well give ‘em what they want, eh?
I eventually got to talking about
drinking with an older fellow named Dan, who was there with his wife. He told us he had taken his son out gambling
for his 21st birthday, and he was surprised at how much his son
could knock back. That night his son won
some big money. “…And he didn’t really
want to spend it all in one place, so he took my wife and I out to Hooters the
next day. Then he worried that he would
blow the rest on something stupid, so he gave donated the rest of his money to
the church.” Hmm…questionable to say the least.
At around 8:30 the whole group
boarded a boat and headed to Venice. We
got off the boat around 9:00 and followed our tour guide to a gigantic statue
(which I should know the name of, but don’t).
All I remember was at the bottom there was a funny carving of Romulus
and Remus sucking the teats of a wolf.
At this point, our normal guide,
David, left us with Louisa, a local guide of Venice. We listened closely to her as she lead us
around the island. “And to the left you
will see the island of Lido, which is a great place for bitches.” I turned to my dad. “Did she just say Lido was great for bitches?” “No.
She said it was great for beaches.” Ahhhh.
Fooled again.
We followed Louisa into the revered
Doge’s palace, chock full of breathtaking art that rich rulers of Venice commissioned. It was amazing, to say the least. Gigantic ceilings were filled with elaborate
paintings and lined with a flowery gold plated design. Entire walls were covered with gorgeous
religious and political art. And
underneath it all, (cue Gwen Stefani music) there was a prison. Unfortunately I only got to photograph the
exterior of the palace, but I’ll give you the best of what I got.
We ended our tour in St. Mark’s
square. Now would probably be a good
time to give you a brief history lesson, but all I really know about the place
is that Saint Mark’s remains are displayed in a nearby cathedral. I’m an ignorant American, I know.
We were now lead again by our main
tour guide, David, to watch a glass blowing demonstration at a local shop. After it was done, we underwent a charming
sales pitch by a glass blowing employee, which consisted of him almost showing
off expensive glass and almost dropping it to scare us. I was sold, but I didn’t
really have a couple hundred bucks to blow on glass, so I left emptyhanded.
After wandering around for awhile,
we met back up with our group to prepare for the gondola ride. We were told to divide into groups of four,
five or six, so my sister, parents and I stayed together. As soon as we could, we hopped on a gondola
with room for four. Luckily for us, the
two musicians that our tour company hired for the gondola ride joined us as
well. And off we went, on a beautiful
ride through the ancient waterways of Venice, accompanied by a complementary
bottle of red wine and the sounds of an accordion and an Italian singer. Both musicians couldn’t speak a lick of
English, but after every song the singer would join us in yelling “Bravissimo!” In the silence that followed he would let out
a “YEE-HOO!” It sounded EXACTLY like the
noise Super Mario makes.
And then my dad attempted to
communicate with the musicians. “Do you know
the song ‘Solo Refugio’?” They gave him
a confused look and shook their heads. My
dad pushed further and began singing the lyrics to the song, getting an even
stranger look from the musicians. The
rest of us looked down and shook our heads in embarrassment. Good old Pops.
A pang of hunger overtook us as we
got off the gondola, so we decided to get lost in the alleys of Venice until we
found a non-touristy place to eat. Once
we did we ordered food and a bottle of white wine. As we finished our meal I noticed there was a
good amount of wine left. I decided to
pour the rest into my glass. My parents
insisted that there was no need to finish the whole bottle, but I wasn’t going
to let good wine go to waste. And so,
with a little help from my dad, I downed the entire glass. “Good luck remembering Venice,” My mom
remarked.
I stood up feeling much dizzier
than I expected, and proceeded to purchase things with ease from the stores we
visited. One store had a 3D book titled “The
Big Book of Breasts 3D”, which I proceeded to peruse. Two Italian girls walked by and chuckled at
what I was reading, and I chuckled with them.
3D Tits. In Venice! Who would have ever guessed.
After walking off my drunken
stupor, we got caffeinated, did some more shopping, and met back up with our
group to sail back to Lido. After
getting back my dad and I hopped into our swim trunks and speedo and went off
to the beach. There were a lot more people
there, and I suddenly started to feel like an alien. There were groups of kids my age playing with
a ball in the water, but I didn’t have the balls to approach them to play. And so, defeated, my dad and I left the beach
to go check out the Maserati/Ferari car show going on down the street. My dad made an interesting observation. “All these dudes have blonde wives with big
tits…that’s probably why the cars are so expensive.”
After getting tired of looking at
cars, we met up with my mother and sister for dinner. As we were looking at the menu, my mom
reminded us of how we should order. “We
all need to order an appetizer, a main course, and some kind of meat.” Apparently that’s what a family friend and
local, Brian, had told her years before.
When we placed our order with waitress we got a strange look. And alas, we ordered WAY too much food. We were all filled up by our appetizer, but
the food kept coming. At a certain point
we all left about 90% of our final dish on the plate. I mixed my food around to make it look like I
ate something while my mom tried stowing some of hers in the bush behind
us. The waitress didn’t seem too happy
with us. Ah well. Live and learn!
We
walked off our full stomachs, got some gelato, and listened to a slew of
Italian cover bands performing American songs in the streets. We ended our day talking and consuming fancy
drinks.
And now I find myself siting in my
hotel room smelling of sand. Chelsea is
desperately trying to sleep, but my typing is keeping her up. I think this means I should stop typing. And so I’d like to conclude with some random
statistics.
Total glasses of wine consumed: 8
Total scoops of gelato consumed: 5
Raunchiest Italian T-shirt worn: “All-American
Cherry Popper”
Welp, it’s getting late America, so Au Revoir for now. A bid you a good afternoon.
CIAO
-Lucas
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